On forgiveness and healing (or how this post is crap)

UPDATE:
I’ve written a new post on forgiveness. I no longer feel the way I did when I posted this.

TRIGGER WARNING: domestic violence/sexual assault

Today would have been my third year anniversary with my abuser (known through out this post as Jekyll), whom is also Thinking Jr’s  father.

It’s been a tough three years. The first year and a half were with him. There were good times, bad times, really bad times, and horribly unmentionable times.  After all the physical, emotional, financial abuse, the multiple rapes/sexual assaults, and after giving birth to my daughter, I had finally gathered the strength to leave him. It was one of the hardest, yet easiest decisions I’ve ever had to make. Hard because he had been my first boyfriend (at 19, sue me I was a late bloomer!), he was my daughter’s father; she was only a month old. He was at times the best person in the world. Easy, because I was tired of being isolated from my family and friends. Easy because my daughter and I came first; we deserved better. Easy because without him I could achieve my goals. Easy because I love myself.

Mostly everybody I have talked to about my relationship with Jekyll has said I should hate him. I should want revenge.  They even offered to exact the revenge for me. When that advice didn’t work they would just say “karma”. That would infuriate me. So, if karma does exist, what the fuck had I done to deserve such treatment from Jekyll? That’s when they played the god card. .

They didn’t believe me when I said I rather just move on. I was going to a great domestic violence group, I had a great therapist. I had my daughter. Most importantly, I was free. I won’t say it was easy. I had/have to deal with the emotional scars of the whole ordeal. I had/have to deal with having a baby. I had to get back to living a normal life!

After being with him I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It’s still hard, because he’s T Jr’s father. But at the end of the day she’s better off without that type of person in her life. I’m better off as well. We deserve better. I’ve realized none of what happened was my fault. And all I can do now is try to pick up the pieces and raise T Jr as best I can, taking the lessons I’ve learned and turning them to good use for her.

I can’t hold on to the hate, resentments, regrets, or what if’s. If I do I feel I’d be consumed by it all. I want to stable in all ways for myself and T Jr. I can’t possibly be a good parent and role model if T Jr sees her mommy is full of hate.

All I can wish for Jekyll is that he gets the help he needs to work through his problems. We haven’t seen or heard from him in over a year. All I can wish is that if he ever does get the help he needs, he can one day be reunited with his daughter. That’ll only happen when and only when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he isn’t the man I once knew. Unfortunately I don’t see that happening. In the mean time, T Jr will have love and support to spare. And I’ll still be working towards getting better at forgiving and healing.

All I can say to Jekyll is, “I forgive you. And as I heal, I hope you heal as well.”

Edited to add: I would also tell him “Thank you.”  I hate to use a cliché, but I think of the experiences with him as a “blessing in disguise”. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if it wouldn’t have been for the shit he put me through. I wouldn’t be as vocal a feminist if it wasn’t for him. Funny,  how in trying to mold me into being a perfect little housewife/mother/slave he created (an even more outspoken than I ever was before) feminist.

Info about PTSD: http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/post-traumatic-stress-disorder

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